I See Myself in Joy & in Love.
I Know Myself.
I Am Enough.*
You know those memories that just live there, right there, ready to be revived and gallop to the surface of your consciousness? This story happened almost 40 years ago—and I am there in a moment. I remember where I was sitting in that room.
I was new in 12 Step programs. Sitting on this rickety metal folding chair, I chose to increase my already-growing discomfort by obsessively biting my lower lip. Who were all these annoying people and why were they there?
Why I was here—that clearly was not the question. I had nowhere else to be. All other shores of my life seemed to have washed away. This was the only place to be. Or so it seemed.
That woman speaking now always looked so damn comfortable with herself, which pissed me off. She was, as usual, wearing that turquoise, kind of shiny blue madras hoodie; it, along with everything else, it annoyed me.
She was sharing:
In the morning, she said.
She continued:
And in the morning, I thank my Higher Power for whatever might happen in that day.
Her voice trailed off into a spiritual lingering, one I knew I could never, ever obtain. I secretly hated her for that and became incrementally more miserable as the moments unfolded. Interesting now that I wasn’t drinking or drugging, these things they called feelings sprinted uninvited into my awareness.
Her words seemed to awaken me from some fuzzy emotional slumber.
Wait. Who does she think she is?…I thought.
I fumed,
Silently, of course.
WAIT! That’s ridiculous! What she said…..that’s ridiculous.
Having gratitude for what hasn’t happened yet?
That’s—just stupid.
What if shitty things happen?
I fumed and fussed with myself throughout the rest of the meeting. I was angry at her. Angry at them. Angry, perhaps, at myself?
Then, dear friends, a miracle emerged.
New behavior emerged. This was not my idea but I found myself………
After the meeting ended with an embarrassing shared prayer while holding hands, which I hated, I found myself walking toward her, the spiritual madras-garbed-one. She was surrounded by a bunch of spiritual groupies who both scared me and I longed to become. But I stayed. I waited while she continued holding her hallowed court.
Another miracle. This was the first time I talked to anybody before or after a meeting. I realized this well, well after the fact.
Finally, she was done and turned toward me.
I will never forget her eyes.
They were green and frighteningly clear.
She was—cute, confusingly cute up close.
That confused me.
Miracle three.
I stayed. I met her eyes. I guess.
And I stammered, sweaty under my pea jacket, which I had worn to hide my body from the potential visual intrusion from a 12 Step meeting.
Hi, I said once.
Then I said it again,
Hi.
Shit, I’m a moron, I thought.
Ummmm.
Somehow, I found words.
I said:
What did you say? Did you say, You THANK God for what hasn’t happened YET? Did you say THAT?
Yes, she said,
And she continued talking.
Her words seemed to float literally above me. I was unable to grasp any of them. None of her logic, if there was any, stayed with me. None of her thinking about the prayer landed at all. I had zero capacity to retain her words and absolutely no capacity to ask her to repeat it.
But it was the YES that lived with me.
I left that meeting. I guess the YES went with me.
Miracle number 9,763,
I kept going to meetings.
There was simply nothing left to do.
And somehow, I remembered
Not her sparkling green eyes
(Yet here I am, decades later, still talking about it, oops),
But I remembered her YES.
YES, to be grateful for the day that is coming.
YES, we don’t know what might happen.
YES, shitty things happen.
YES, to offer thanks before it unfolds.
YES, gratitude opens the door to humility.
YES, humility opens the door to Grace.
YES, gratitude for all.
YES, eventually.
YES, inevitably.
See, I thought my job as an “adult” (using the term loosely here) was to make sure no bad things happen, to control reality so shit didn’t happen.
Good luck with that.
It didn’t work.
It only made me run faster from everyone,
Drink more,
Drug more,
Trying to keep ahead of life?
The cost of that?
No life. I had no life.
The gift of her YES went with me through the years.
I don’t know the time frame.
When it happened…
But eventually, I started to practice this.
I wrote a prayer.
I said it.in the mornings,
For years.
Here it is:
Thank you for everything You are going to give me in this new day. I know that what You are going to give me is going to be exactly what I need to get closer to You and to get closer to those parts of me that are You.
And that’s what I did.
Eventually, as prayer practices do,
It shifted. It flowed in. It flowed out.
Yet
The YES remains.
~~~
We know gratitude changes the chemistry of the brain.
We know it is, like a gear shift, a changing-up of what’s happening.
We know focusing on gratitude, what is happening, rather than on what isn’t happening, changes
EVERYTHING.
It is a remarkable intervention. We can practice this. Always and forever.
But/and…gratitude…..
Not as a way to transcend our feelings.
Not as a doorway out of the moment.
But as a doorway into the moment.
Right now, it seems that plenty of shitty things are happening.
The air has been smoky. People with power want more of it. People with money want more of it. The rights of all people matter less and less. Things do seem to be unraveling. All true and…..
And, to find the beauty of things,
The bird signing as the dawn unfolds,
The dog rolling on her back,
Belly-up in delight,
The words that are here
Singing their truth,
The people that are right here, too,
Offering their kind hearts.
To find those things in the midst of all of it.
Savoring life’s lessons?
As we can.
As we are able.
Finding the beauty?
Claiming the Grace?
Yes!
Right here
Right now.
What does gratitude mean in your life here in July 2026? Please let me know.
I’ve been playing this song consistently throughout this week, finding great solace in its lovely lyrical repetition. Here is Beautiful Chorus, I am Enough:
~~~
Friends,
One step,
One breath,
One syllable,
One thought
At a time,
As we are able.
May we find our way
From this moment to the next
With ease and grace—as we can.
And when we cannot
May we breathe and relax
And practice coming home.
All blessings,
Aruni
~~~
*Title— lyrics from Beautiful Chorus, I Am Enough.