Yes, Eventually. Yes, Inevitably.

I remember where I was sitting in the room.
New in 12 Step programs, I was biting my lower lip into a state of discomfort.
Wondering who all these people were.
Why I was here was not the question.
I had nowhere else to be.
This was the only place to be.
So it seemed.

That woman that always looked so comfortable,
The one in her blue madras hoodie,

She was sharing:

And in the morning,
She said.
I thank my Higher Power for whatever might happen in that day.
Her voice trailed off into a spiritual lingering, one I knew I could never obtain.
I secretly hated her for that and became incrementally more miserable.

(Interesting now that I wasn’t drinking or drugging, these things called feelings reared themselves into my awareness.

Her words awakened me from some fuzzy emotional slumber.

Who does she think she is…
I fumed,
Silently, of course.

That’s ridiculous.
Gratitude for what hasn’t happened yet?
That’s—stupid.
What if shitty things happen?

I fumed and fussed myself through the meeting.
Angry at her.
Angry at them.
Angry, perhaps, at myself?
Then, dear friends,
The miracle.

New behavior emerged.
Not my idea
But…

I found myself walking toward her after the meeting.
She was surrounded by a bunch of spiritual groupies.
But I stayed.
I waited.

Another miracle.
First time I talked to anybody before or after a meeting.

She turned to me,
Her eyes were green and frighteningly clear.
She was—cute, confusingly cute.  

Miracle three.

I stayed.
I met her eyes.
I guess.
And I stammered,
Sweaty under my pea jacket,
Worn to hide my body from the potential visual intrusion from a 12 Step meeting.

Hi, I said once.
Then I said it again,
Hi.
Shit, I’m a moron, I thought.
Ummmm.
Somehow I found words.
I said:
What did you say?
Did you say,
You THANK God for what hasn’t happened yet?
Did you say THAT?

Yes, she said,
And continued talking.

And I couldn’t hold on to her words
None of the logic,
The thinking of it,

But it was the YES
That lived with me.

I left that meeting.

Miracle number 9,763,
I kept going.

And somehow, I remembered
Not her sparkling green eyes
(Yet here I am, decades later, talking about it, oops),

But I remembered the YES.

YES, to be grateful for the day that is coming.
YES, we don’t know what might happen.
YES, shitty things happen.
YES, to offer thanks before it unfolds.
YES, gratitude opens the door to humility.
YES, humility opens the door to Grace.
YES, gratitude for all.
YES, eventually.
YES, inevitably.

See, I thought my job as an “adult” (using the term loosely here)
Was to make sure no bad things happen,
To control reality so shit didn’t happen.

Good luck with that.
It didn’t work.
It only made me run faster from everyone,
Drink more,
Drug more,
Trying to keep ahead of life?
The cost of that?

No life.

The YES went with me.

I don’t know the time frame.
When it happened…
But eventually, I started to practice this.
I wrote a prayer.
I said it for years.
In the mornings,
For years.

Here it is:

Thank you for everything you are going to give me in this new day.  I know what you are going to give me is going to be exactly what I need to get closer to You and to get closer to those parts of me that are You.

And that’s what I did.
Eventually, as prayer practices do,
It shifted.
It flowed in.
It flowed out.

Yet
The YES remains.
~~~
We know gratitude changes the chemistry of the brain.
We know it is, like a gear shift, a changing-up of what’s happening.
We know focusing on gratitude, what is, rather than on what isn’t, changes
EVERYTHING.

It is a remarkable intervention.
We can use it.
Always
And
Forever.

But/and…
Not to transcend our feelings.
Not as a doorway out of the moment.
As a doorway in.

Shitty things are happening. 
Things seem to be unraveling.

Where does gratitude fit
Inside of July 2024?

To find the things of beauty,
The bird signing as the dawn unfolds,
The dog rolling on her back,
Belly-up in delight,
The words that are there
Singing their truth, 
The people that are right here,
With kindness.

To find the things.

Savoring life’s lessons?
As we can.
As we are able.

Finding the beauty?
Claiming the Grace?

Yes!
Right now.
~~~
Here is a Universal Love Song, Gratitude, from Empty Hands Music, featuring Nimo and Daniel Nahmod.  It’s good, it’s engaging.  However, I’m stuck on one line:

“I’m grateful for it all.”

Well, maybe not today.  
In right timing.
As we find our way through:

YES, eventually.
YES, inevitably.