Will & Surrender

I used to think, in my younger moments, that surrender was the splendid, the evolved, the master class of spiritual living.

Yes…and…

I’m now believing, as a tad older human, that the right use of will asks of me a new maturity and discernment.  Actions skillfully taken, the results of those actions released, call forth a more grown-up Aruni.

Not a bad thing.

Using my will skillfully, with integrity and forethought, is a profound spiritual practice for me. I’m emphasizing the word, practice.

The ongoing saga.  Practice.
~~~
Hum!  I’m remembering:

The first workshop I ever taught in R&R at Kripalu was called The Grace of Surrender.

I wonder who I thought I was then.
I wonder what I thought I knew about surrender.

I did somehow know that I was a seeker.
Even if I didn’t “know” that,
The connection was establishing itself.

Was it 1991?

I was—
TERRIFIED.

Terrified of what, you might ask?

Leading the om—
Truly daunting.

Terrified of?

You all—
Sitting out there, 
Waiting.

Terrified of?

Me—
Standing
Mike in sweaty hand,
Praying for the words.

Terrified.

And I lead the om.
And I taught.
And I kept on leading the om.
And I kept on teaching.

And I currently lead the om.
And I currently teach.

How blessed am I?

Blessed to outlive my own terror.
Blessed to teach that which is so precious to me.
Blessed to teach that which guides my life and
That which shines upon me.

My gift.
To receive.

My gift
To offer.
~~~
For the first few years of my Kripalu teaching, I scripted everything I was going to say.
Every word.

“Good morning.  Welcome to our session.  Close your eyes…”

I don’t think I referred to the scripts, once written.  I just wrote them out.  The writing was the calling forth, I guess.

Will and surrender.

I planned.
And planned.
And got scared
And planned some more.

The overviews.
The music.
The transitions
Between the educational
And
The experiential.

It was my
Willful practice.

And then, the surrender.
Being present with what was in the room.

Were you responding?
Involved?
Asking questions?
Napping?
Bored?

Will and surrender.
Taking action.
Letting go of the outcome.

Being present with
What is, 
As best I/we are able.
~~~
How blessed am I
To have this 
Collaborative
Transformational
Teaching platform
As my gift.

My gift to receive.
My gift to offer you.
~~~
Here is a favorite of favorites.  Leonard Cohen, from his concert in London, offering his prayer on will and surrender, If It Be Your Will.