From Darkness to Light…
And Back Again
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One-hundred-and-fifteen-years ago, in 1972, I was sitting in a darkened movie theater with P., my supposed-to-be-boyfriend and soon-to-be-husband.
That would be another story.
The movie was MaCabe and Mrs. Miller. I adored it then. I adore it now.
The music. The music. The music.
It touched into and through me, surrounding me and softening my defended, frightened heart. Okay, I was probably stoned. But nevertheless, this music was like nothing else—it spoke to parts of me I had not yet touched, not yet known
That was the first time I heard the music of Leonard Cohen.
The years passed. His music was my music. His angst, mine. His struggling and searching seemed to be my struggling, my searching.
What parts of me were opened by Leonard Cohen’s music? The neurotic Jew? The brazen survivor? The seeker?
Even then, all I ever wanted was something beside myself—something bigger, something more reliable, something filled with light.
Cohen’s music is not exactly filled with light, but certainly, his music is filled with life.
Time passed.
No shit. It did.
You Want It Darker, his 14th and final album, came out in October 12, 2016, 17 days before his death.
(Side note: Leonard died November 2016, one day before Donald Trump was elected president. Commendable timing, Leonard.)
I was excited to hear the album, You Want It Darker.
I listened to the title song. It confused me. Leonard-like, with so many images and religious implications—I mean, it was the end of the guy’s life, for goodness sakes.
I listened again. I put it aside.
I didn’t want life to be darker.
I put it aside for a long time.
I hear it now.
OH.
I hear it now.
Please listen—until the end…
~~~
Hineni, here I am. I am ready.
This is the word that Abraham said when God beckoned him to kill his son, Isaac.
I am here.
Leonard defines it as, I am ready.
I have always defined it to myself as, I am here, the essence of the practice of being present.
I don’t know if I’m ready. But I’m here, and I believe I will become ready as the situation unfolds.
Like Jesus said to his followers, when asked how to spread the gospel:
Get there and I’ll tell you.
I am here.
I do not think there is a more powerful prayer for me these days.
I am here.
Whatever it is you give me, I will find my way through.
I’ll do my best.
Light,
Dark,
Whatever.
Help me
To be
Here.
And then,
Show me
The way.
~~~
I used to think that the light must block out the dark.
Even in the Sanskrit prayers in the days of the Kripalu ashram, we would request to be taken, “From Darkness to Light.”
The darkness grows.
Perhaps it’s about
Finding the light within
No matter
What is happening.
~~~
Darkness to light.
Back to darkness.
To light,
Again
And
Again.
The fluidity
The
Mobility,
The
Ever-changing
Nature
Of
The
Universe.
I believe
In the inevitability–
The value–
The preciousness
Of the dark.
I might not like it,
Being a recovering pseudo-hippy.
Yet it is integral,
Essential,
Unescapable
And
Always
Takes
Us
To
More
Light.
Which then and again,
Subsides into darkness.
The waves—
Light and dark.
Dark and light.
All sacred.
All inevitable.
All coming
To bless us,
And coming
To pass.
Hineni.
I
am
here.
As best as I can, I am here.
And then, show me the way.
All blessings,
Aruni
Passover, liberation from bondage, Easter, the ongoing resurrection.
We are blessed, no matter what is happening.