On the Road
I like these paths-through-the-woods-pictures.
I always did.
They—comfort me.
For a very long time—not always, but some of the time—
I have walked my path with
Moderate ease.
Ha! As I am looking for an adjective
(once an English teacher, always an English teacher),
An adjective
That doesn’t overstate,
That doesn’t overcommit
My truth,
Moderate ease
Comes forth.
That cracks me up
A bit.
I have walked my path.
I have had the footing
To keep going forward.
I have recognized the way,
Enough,
To be comfortable.
To be comfortable
Enough.
I have trusted
There is Something Greater
Running the show.
Mostly.
I have remembered.
My commitment to my work,
Has been steady.
My support network,
Steady.
My relationship to my body,
Moderately okay enough.
(Another big guffaw here,
As Moderately repeats herself.)
And now, it’s different.
Now, everything’s different.
I have a Thing.
A Physical Thing.
(So hard to write about it.)
It will not kill me.
It is benign enough in nature.
PHEW!
And
Yet—
Everything is different.
Physically, I feel different.
Physically, I am different.
And now,
My hearing is changing.
And now,
My steps do not feel steady.
The path?
It’s different.
The cost of this diagnosis?
My hearing in one ear.
My steadiness.
And my assuredness.
I don’t know the way.
OF COURSE I DO.
It just doesn’t feel
That way.
It’s what I would tell you—
One step,
One damn step
At a time.
One thing at a time,
One moment at a time,
One bite,
One word,
One thought….
At a time.
Slow it down.
Slow is fast.
Fast is smooth.
Also, I must add—
The world.
The conditions in our country,
The attacks on diversity,
The obscenities against immigrants,
The dismantling of the government,
Etc. etc. etc. and etc.
Of course
All
Contribute to my unsteadiness.
These past few weeks?
Writing has been hard,
Really hard.
And I LOVE writing our blogs.
I LOVE them.
And I have begun
To not.
To not want to.
To not want to write.
It’s because I’m not speaking my truth to you.
My truth?
Here it is:
I’m dizzy.
I’m uncertain.
I’m scared.
And
I don’t want to.
I don’t want to do anything much.
And. You know what?
Saying that
Both to myself
And to you
Is
FRICKING
LIBERATING.
I will continue my walk.
I will slow it down.
I will speak the truth.
I will show up.
As I am.
And when I cannot,
I will bless myself,
And I
Will
Keep
Practicing.
~~~
Here’s something I wrote a few days ago:
I walk effortlessly.
No trail.
It is all a trail.
No path.
It is all a path.
I sit.
The land holds me.
I walk.
The land guides me.
I rest.
The land heals me.
~~~
What’s your truth?
What’s up for you?
What aren’t you saying?
What aren’t you telling people?
~~~
I heard this song so randomly, at the end of a Netflix thingy.
I never heard of the artist, Paolo Nutini.
But I haven’t fully moved past the Beatles and Simon & Garfunkel,
The truth be told.
Here it is—I love it.
I love the song’s aliveness.
And movement.
When we know the way,
One step.
When the way gets fuzzy,
One step.
When we think we
Understand
What’s next,
One step.
When we have
No clue,
One step,
One step.
One
Step.
It is all life is asking of us.
One step
To
The
Next,
And then,
To the next
Moment.
More will be revealed.
More is being revealed.
This is what it looks like.
This is the journey.
May all beings benefit from our shared words.
All blessings,
Aruni
~~~
INVITATION
THE YOGA OF RECOVERY
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July 25-27