By My Side*
I always knew
There was
Something
Else.
I always knew
This
Wasn’t
Enough.
This reality
Couldn’t
Be
The
Full
Deal.
Maybe kids just know—
At least,
For a while.
But how did I know?
How did I keep knowing?
Through the suffering of my separation and difference?
Through the physical pain of my childhood traumas?
How did I know?
Knowing wasn’t comfortable or easy.
It was another wedge of separation, of difference between me and everybody else.
In college, in the sixties, drugs and alcohol found me.
I thought I was FOUND.
Unfortunately,
The portal that opened was labeled LOST.
I thought, truly and wholly,
I believed that drugs brought me closer to that altered space.
To what?
The spinning
Of the planets?
The breath
Of God?
The ancient truths
Of seekers?
I was wrong.
It took twenty years to figure out just how wrong.
With drugs and alcohol, I checked out.
Finding God?
Opposite
Direction.
Checking in
Is
Required.
~~~
This song below, By My Side, came out in 1973, as part of the musical, Godspell.
Later in the 70’s, I found and feverishly listened to its music.
This song.
Oh, this song.
There is nothing that encapsulates, that represents my longing for a spiritual connection more vividly.
There is nothing that duplicates the loneliness, the need, the terror, the risk of…
Of being so alone?
Of wanting something more?
Of needing something count-on-able?
A consistency.
A presence.
A knowing.
That I wasn’t alone.
That something else was running The Show?
That, no matter what happened, it would be okay?
I remember listening to this song, over and over, and weeping and weeping and weeping.
When I listened again this week, I found myself, decades later, weeping and weeping and weeping. This is an intimate sharing for me with you. I am grateful to offer this part of my path, this piece of my heart:
~~~
Where are you going?
Where are you going?
Can you take me with you?
For my hand is cold
And needs warmth
Where are you going?
Far beyond where the horizon lies
Where the horizon lies
And the land sinks into mellow blueness
Oh please, take me with you
Let me skip the road with you
I can dare myself
I can dare myself
I’ll put a pebble in my shoe
And watch me walk (watch me walk)
I can walk and walk!
(I can walk!)
I shall call the pebble Dare
I shall call the pebble Dare
We will talk, we will talk together
We will talk (chorus) about walking
Dare shall be carried
And when we both have had enough
I will take him from my shoe, singing:
“Meet your new road!”
Then I’ll take your hand
Finally glad
Finally glad
That you are here
By my side
By my side
By my side
By my side
~~~
Longing.
An unfulfilled desire.
Today I am not unfulfilled.
Today it is seeking
That fills me.
Today I know
The seeking is the journey.
Not effortful seeking.
Not pushing, working, striving.
But relaxing into.
Accepting the moments
Of sheer and total aloneness,
Of hideous and abject anxiety.
Knowing that’s the journey.
Accepting our humanity.
That’s the way back to Grace.
Leaning back.
Back to the arms.
Back to the Grace.
Back to the hand
That’s
Holding
Ours.
~~~
Dear Friends,
What about you?
Longing?
Seeking?
Where do you land?
What brings solace?
Where is the comfort that’s bigger than us—
From where does that come
For you?
~~~
May all beings
Benefit
From our seeking.
May all beings
Here, there,
Everywhere
Be blessed…
By the words we share,
By the steps we take,
By the practices we offer.
Dear friends,
Stay blessed,
Aruni
*Song by Peggy Gordon