Plan B—1970-1972
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What do I believe, today?
What does the advantage of age offer me, today?
Of what am I certain, today?
Just for today?
I am certain,
Certain,
That every single thing
In my life
Brought me here.
Every single bend in the road,
Every single heartbreak,
Every single unfolding
Of my life—
Especially the ones
I did not like,
Especially the ones
That cracked open
My heart
Especially the ones
That broke my heart
So it could open again—
Every single step
On the road,
Especially the ones
That were NOT
My choice,
Brought me here
Right here,
Right now.
I’ve been perusing my three books,
Looking for something
To read to us this week.
It seems like a while
Since I shared a reading.
And I found this story,
From my second book,
Already Home—
Stories of a Seeker—
It’s entitled
Plan B—1970-1972.
I wrote it
In 2010
Which was
500 lifetimes
Ago.
As I read the story,
I remembered
How I hated
This time,
How I hated
What happened.
How I faced this loss,
This heartbreak
With such
Angst,
Such struggle,
Such resistance.
How terrified I was
Having no clue,
ZERO CLUE
Of next steps.
And I am here to say,
Every single moment of these years,
1970 through 1972,
And all the other ones,
Before and after
Have
Brought me
Right here,
Right now.
~~~
A little context for the story:
After college graduation in 1970, I joined the Peace Corps. I was sent to the Philippine Islands and lived in a small town called Butuan, on the island of Mindanao. There I met a Philippine woman who was home from college in Manila. We grew close. And closer. Without words, without speaking the words of reality, we fell in love and became silent lovers.
I had to be that far away from everything I knew as normal, 13,000+ miles, and I had to have a fever of 103 (first time she held me), to allow myself to feel the love of a woman, the touch of a woman’s body against mine.
And now, the story:
Friends, that happened.
That happened fifty years ago.
What the f?
What does that even mean?
It means this—
It means I have
Evidence-based data
That tells me
I am on the path.
It means that
I found my way forward
Without a real clue of
What was next.
And each next thing
Continued me along,
And brought me here.
It means that when
I was totally lost,
Totally
Heartbroken,
Without a clue of next steps
Even the “wrong” choices
Moved me forward into
The flow of my dharma,
My path here.
If I could do it then,
If I could fall into the
Unknown
Hemorrhoids roaring,
Still so plugged into
Parental norms,
I can do it now.
I can do it now.
I am doing it now.
I am finding my way.
We can do it now.
We are doing it now.
We are finding our way.
This is what it looks like
To find our way.
~~~
This is the song in my life that reminds me—I do not have to know how.
I do not have to know “the way”.
I can ask for help
Or not.
I can look around
And let the moment,
Inform me,
Or not.
I can remember
I am not
Alone.
Or not.
~~~
If you heard this song before, please listen again.
If it is new to you, sit and rest and listen.
I’ve included the lyrics because they are spectacular and sometimes hard to discern.
Calling All Angels
Lyrics
Santa Maria, Santa Teresa, Santa Anna, Santa Susannah
Santa Cecilia, Santa Copelia, Santa Dominica, Mary Angelica
Frater Achad, Frater Pietro, Julianus, Petronella
Santa, Santos, Miroslaw, Vladimir
And all the rest
A man is placed upon the steps, a baby cries
High above it hear the church bells start to ring
And the heaviness
The heaviness settles in
Somewhere you can hear a mother sing
Then it’s one foot then the other
As you step out onto the road, steppin’ on the road
How much weight? How much?
Then it’s how long? And how far?
And how many times before it’s too late?
Calling all angels
Calling all angels
Walk me through this one
Don’t leave me alone
Calling all angels
Calling all angels
We’re trying, we’re hoping
But we’re not sure how long
And every day you gaze upon the sunset
With such love and intensity
Why it’s almost as if
If you could only crack the code
You’d finally understand what this all means
But if you could
Do you think you would trade it all?
All the pain and suffering?
Ah, but then you’d have miss
The beauty of the light upon this earth
And the sweetness of the leaving
Calling all angels (calling all angels)
Calling all angels (calling all angels)
Walk me through this one (walk me through this one)
Don’t leave me alone
Calling all angels
Calling all angels
We’re trying, we’re hoping
But were not sure how
Calling all angels (calling all angels)
Calling all angels (calling all angels)
Walk me through this world (walk me through this one)
Don’t leave me alone (don’t leave me alone)
Calling all angels
Calling all angels
We’re trying
We’re hoping
We’re loving
And we’re hurting
We’re crying
We’re calling
‘Cause we’re not sure how this goes
Sung by KT Lang, Written by Jane Siberry
~~~
Dear Friends,
I end with the words of John Paul Lederer, peacebuilder, who says,
We are…
“waiting for the unknown gift
That the
Brokenness offers.”
Dear Friends,
To us, willingness,
To us, patience.
To us, courage.
We were meant to be here,
Right here,
Right now.
All blessings,
Aruni