Expired Coping Mechanisms

They worked then.
They do not work now.

They shielded us then.
Now?
Nope.

They were brilliant
And
Amazing ways 
That Emerged 
To protect
Ourselves,  
To comfort ourselves,
To shield
Ourselves.

EXPIRED.

Ran out.
Became invalid.
Became void.
Lapsed.
Ceased.
Concluded.
Terminated.

EXPIRED.

We just continue
To go down
Their
Ancient
Neuropathways,
Expecting 
Different
Results.

I probably have
2,789 potential
Examples.

Here’s one—
My first addiction was fantasy.
Every night in bed
I comforted myself
By “writing stories”.

I was the hero.
Androgynous,
Always riding a horse,
My obsession with 
Sargent Preston and King of the Yukon
(a ‘50’s tv series, for you younger ones)
Playing out.

I was there
To save
The 
Damsel 
In
Distress.

I was a 
Royal Canadian Mountie 
Like my hero.

I imagined
And
Imagined
And
Imagined

While living
With 
The
Profound shame
This fantasy
Gave me.

PROFOUND
SHAME.

That’s one coping mechanism,
Now mostly expired.

I no longer want to be a Royal Canadian Mountie.
Yet I still am aware of the part of myself that
Wants to fix,
To make better,
To rescue.

Only
2, 788 left.

As we become
Willing
Able
And available
To bear witness
To our
Own suffering,

The need for
These ancient protections
Can be soften,
Can be lifted.

This is the healing process
We practice
Off the yoga mat,
The remarkable possibility
Of
Changing
The brain,
The body,
And
Behavior.

By witnessing what is,
By feeling the suffering,
In the case of myself as a tiny Sargent Preston of the Yukon,
The shame of it.

The way to healing,
The way
To new behavior
Is through the feelings.

Abiding our
Own
Suffering.

The way 
Out of it
Is through it.

We can
Look through the window
Of old behavior
Onto a new landscape
And
New
Possibilities.

And as we do so,
There we meet 
Each other.

~~~
Here is Thich Nhat Hanh, on Touching the Past.