Higher Ground

Energy.

Last night’s dream…

I was
In school—

Most unusually,
As a student.

So many
Of us pupils
Squashed
Together,

Rocky.

The teacher

Unclear.

Sitting at her desk,

Us.

We

Colors.

I was tremendously

Paper.

We were

Essay.

I see myself:

I write

RIGHT.

Writing

Is mine.

Talking

Mine.

I write the

Writes me.

The

Comes through me,

And I

The answer.

I

More.

The bell rings,

Leave.

I continue

And write.

I write

Of time.

Past

Of time.

I write.

The bell.

Past the

Ending.

Wanting

Words,

Willing

Privilege.

I am unable to spell that word; I must always surrender to spellcheck to do my bidding.

Interesting.

The students in my dream were mostly people of color.  Were they my former students?  The ones who taught me so much about my privilege as a white woman, coming into their neighborhood, clenching the role book close to me, my own personal protective gear, trying so hard to “connect”, getting stoned at lunchtime with the gym teacher, while zooming outta there at 2:33 p.m., after the 2:32 bell?

I did my best there, at Webster Junior High and Malcolm X Shabazz High School, in Newark, New Jersey, for almost two decades.  I did my best.

But/and…..it wasn’t until the past year’s upheaval, the exploding of every system, every institution in our culture, did my understanding of privilege deepened.

I shriveled up and died a thousand deaths during this past pandemic year, and I thrived.

I shriveled up and crumbled into a thousand deaths, and I grew and learned and ate and participated as best I could, in this, my lockdown world.

How many people lost family—jobs—income—food—hope—health—possibilities—play—schooling—socializing—kissing—holding—hugging—faces—smiles—and on and on.

And I was terrified while I thrived.

Only about 2% of the world has been vaccinated.

I am of that 2%.

How do I utilize my privilege, not sentimentally, not motivated by guilt, but TO BE USEFUL?

How do I take the next steps, to be USEFUL IN THE WORLD, not with the people who think like me, or look like me, but the people who don’t, not with the people who have the things I have, but with the people who do not?

Not with the people who share my privilege (and I do not mean to minimize our suffering, it is real), but with all the others who are hungry and unsheltered and frightened and hopeless?

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

My Socially Engaged Buddhism training is opening me up

To my own not-knowing.

Where do I put that energy?

I

Know.

Not yet.

I

Yet.

I do trust

Ground.

And I know,

Not a fancy leap,

But here

Here.

~~~

You must.  You must.  YOU MUST LISTEN.  Five minutes for your heart.

Higher Ground by Stevie Wonder, by Playing for Change/Sound around the World