Unmistakable

Incapable of being misunderstood

 

This was not my idea.  

Certainly, the best ideas in my life are not generated by me.

They 
Come 
To me
Or
Come
Through me.

I have been newly attending (while sitting at my desk and never moving) a 12 Step meeting in Maine. Being with new people, yet such familiar people—a commonality as only addiction can offer—I am learning.

I do so need to learn from you all, you people. 

A woman I do not know, yet know her addictive process intimately and as my own, was talking:

In her little Zoom square, she was intent and focused, staring directly into the eye of the Wizard-behind-the Curtain, not like all of us Zoom users are comfortable doing.

“God—she said, (and readers, you fill in whatever word works for you)—

God, speak to me in ways that I cannot possibly misunderstand.”

This woke me up.

This literally woke me up.

She eyed the zoom wizard and repeated her plea:

IN WAYS THAT ARE UNMISTAKABLE.  SHOW ME.  

Her energy.

Her focus.

Her demand was so—appropriately intense.
For this moment,
For this transition
We are
All in,
Differently
And
The same.

Appropriate.

Hum, I thought.

Speak to me in ways that I cannot possibly misunderstand.

To me, I heard both in her words and in her focus:

Show me.

Prove yourself
To me.

Let me know

That you 
Are here,

That, 
In the midst 
Of such chaos,
There is Your Order.

That in the midst 
of such 
Noise,
There is Your Silence.

That, in the midst 
of such
Hatred,
There is Your Love.

I do in my life ask.
I do in my life request.

I do in my life pray.

Yet, in the light of this women’s intensity and clarity, I newly hear my requests as polite, not-wanting-to-rock-the-cosmic-boat, striving toward some faux humility and righteousness in the same breath.

Maybe I am being hard on myself.

Ya-think?

DAMN.

Damn, Aruni.

This time demands more.
This time demands support.
We deserve support.
I deserve support.

We deserve to be reassured.
I deserve to be reassured.

So, I stated an experiment.
I started practicing.
Waking up—
Saying—
Okay,
Show me.
Let me know
In ways
Unmistakable
That 
You are here,
That 
All
Is
Well,
In the midst 
Of such loss
And upheaval.

The results of my experiment have been fascinating.

Immediately, I see my inconsistency.

My forced assumed humility, my inability to get strong and demand with energy is being revealed to me.

Certainly in times of more immediate heart-wrenching crisis (such as dealing with canine blood or sitting in emergency rooms in the middle of long nights), I have been able to find in me more passionate demands of Life and God and Grace.

Perhaps I am “getting used to” this pandemic, that I am being worn down by the ongoing, day-to-frigging-day-never-ending process we are in.  In that, am I losing my passion, my power, my hara, my own true nature?

I do not want to lose my voice, my energy, my power, to anything or anyone, even and especially to a pandemic.

If ever there were a time to need voice, energy, power, I do believe this is that moment.

Finally, I see very clearly the three arenas in which my prayers are answered, arenas in which Grace is reflected to me:

• In nature
• In animals
• In people

What is 
More hopeful 
Then a sunrise?

What,
More
Soothing
Then
Sunset?

And 
That 
Young
Deer,
The long moments
We stood
Looking
At 
One 
Another,

What more
Of a prayer,
Of a response
Might I ever
Imagine?

In her eyes
Were
Everything
I needed 
To know.

In her stillness
With me
I was
Healed.

And you!
And people.
You are
As
Close 
To God
As I
Will
Get
Today.

You bring me
Exactly
The situations
I need
To heal.

And that is
The
Truth
Of 
It.

For 
Me.

~~~
One of my favorites—here’s KT Lang and Jane Siberry, reminding us in their perfect way: