Incapable of being misunderstood
This was not my idea.
Certainly, the best ideas in my life are not generated by me.
I have been newly attending (while sitting at my desk and never moving) a 12 Step meeting in Maine. Being with new people, yet such familiar people—a commonality as only addiction can offer—I am learning.
I do so need to learn from you all, you people.
A woman I do not know, yet know her addictive process intimately and as my own, was talking:
In her little Zoom square, she was intent and focused, staring directly into the eye of the Wizard-behind-the Curtain, not like all of us Zoom users are comfortable doing.
“God—she said, (and readers, you fill in whatever word works for you)—
God, speak to me in ways that I cannot possibly misunderstand.”
This woke me up.
This literally woke me up.
She eyed the zoom wizard and repeated her plea:
IN WAYS THAT ARE UNMISTAKABLE. SHOW ME.
Her demand was so—appropriately intense.
For this moment,
For this transition
Hum, I thought.
Speak to me in ways that I cannot possibly misunderstand.
To me, I heard both in her words and in her focus:
Let me know
In the midst
Of such chaos,
There is Your Order.
That in the midst
There is Your Silence.
That, in the midst
There is Your Love.
I do in my life ask.
I do in my life request.
I do in my life pray.
Yet, in the light of this women’s intensity and clarity, I newly hear my requests as polite, not-wanting-to-rock-the-cosmic-boat, striving toward some faux humility and righteousness in the same breath.
Maybe I am being hard on myself.
This time demands more.
This time demands support.
We deserve support.
I deserve support.
We deserve to be reassured.
I deserve to be reassured.
So, I stated an experiment.
I started practicing.
Let me know
You are here,
In the midst
Of such loss
The results of my experiment have been fascinating.
Immediately, I see my inconsistency.
My forced assumed humility, my inability to get strong and demand with energy is being revealed to me.
Certainly in times of more immediate heart-wrenching crisis (such as dealing with canine blood or sitting in emergency rooms in the middle of long nights), I have been able to find in me more passionate demands of Life and God and Grace.
Perhaps I am “getting used to” this pandemic, that I am being worn down by the ongoing, day-to-frigging-day-never-ending process we are in. In that, am I losing my passion, my power, my hara, my own true nature?
I do not want to lose my voice, my energy, my power, to anything or anyone, even and especially to a pandemic.
If ever there were a time to need voice, energy, power, I do believe this is that moment.
Finally, I see very clearly the three arenas in which my prayers are answered, arenas in which Grace is reflected to me:
- In nature
- In animals
- In people
Then a sunrise?
The long moments
Of a prayer,
Of a response
Might I ever
In her eyes
In her stillness
You bring me
And that is
One of my favorites—here’s KT Lang and Jane Siberry, reminding us in their perfect way:
Dear Friends, how do you ask for support from the universe? Where do you find answers? Unmistakable communications from that which is not your mind?
Is there any tweaking to your prayer life that might be appropriate, that might be helpful, as I am so slowly learning for myself?
Come find messages and strategies and answers in my Grief, Loss and Renewal program. Together we will create safety, solace, and healing. Here’s the link, dear folks.
Keep in touch. All your words are a blessing.
My new address is firstname.lastname@example.org. Please make changes in your contact folders.
Please know that my website, www.coacharuni.com/blog has over 300 blogs there, reflections of the past few years. Enjoy!
Create community; connect to yourself, to one another and to the teachings. You are not alone. Thanks for considering offering a donation.
My PayPal link is https://www.paypal.me/CoachAruni
This week’s Wisdom Circles are: