I do not love height.
For years, I felt compelled to push upward and onward on hikes, up mountains, terrifying myself on the ridges and edges of vistas.
Being counter-phobic, of course I would push.
I am a pusher.
The terror was so real, so unlike anything else I had experienced.
Body-centered-terror.
Physiological/biologic reactions.
Ponding heart and racing blood and severe almost-dizziness.
When hiking upward on trails,
I would
Weep with fear.
When I was blessed enough to visit Machu Pichu a thousand years ago,
I remember sheer terror surging through me, as I had to step over a ravine, to get to the other side of ridge.
That memory lives in my body.
Of course, my spouse was a hiker who feasted upon, adored, and physically craved vistas,
Just to up the ante of my emotional journey.
My insides shook with vistas.
Driving down from Mount Washington, I had to lay in the back seat with my sweatshirt wrapped around my entire head, inadequately shielding myself from my own terror.
It did not work.
Eventually I figured out I have a touch of acrophobia.
Homeopathy helped.
Eventually.
Then everything changed.
She got injured,
To my silent relief.
I got old.
Hikes changed.
Then
The big change—
We got pandemic-ized.
As an offshoot,
Yet another gift
Of this pandemic,
And I find myself
Balancing heights
Again,
New and alive
with
Current
Electricity.
Here is the flow
Of a typical
Aruni-Pandemic-Day:
~~~
I am doing fine.
I am showing up.
I am part of the solution.
I feel level.
All is well.
I am kind and present enough.
I talk to clients.
I write and breathe.
I can almost imagine relaxing,
Almost finding a sliver of trust.
And then—for no reason,
Something
Silently
Interrupts,
Like
A hush,
A whisper,
A murmur of self-centered fear,
A beneath-the-surface soundless voice
Beckons me
Hisses at me:
I need that.
What if I don’t get That?
That was promised to me…..
The fear
Instantly
Catapults me,
Rockets me
Into
Another dimension,
Physically alive with terror.
Not unlike Mt. Washington,
Not unlike hike after hike,
That intensity
Of physical terror
Paralyzes me.
~~~
These days
I find myself
Living
On
A
Tightrope,
Shakily
Balancing
Between
Okay
And
Not.
Between
Breath
And
Sheer
Breathlessness.
Between
A molecule
Of trust
And
An
Abyss
Of emptiness.
~~~
I am physically
Paralyzed
On the tightrope,
Again
Hovering over
The abyss.
Again.
Climbing
A mountain
Waiting
For the
Worst
Thing
To Happen.
Every day
Trying to
Hide
From,
Every day
Trying
To swallow
My
Own
Terror.
~~~
What do I know to be true?
The fear
Does not
Have to
Last
Long!
I am able
To return,
To keep coming back,
To breath,
To tree-buds,
To birdsong,
To sunshine,
To toes and fingers and breath and belly.
I am able to return.
Keep coming back.
We get it all:
Faith
And
Fear.
Hope
And
Impossibility.
Trust
And
The
Pit
Of
Nothingness.
Oh, my extremes
Deplete,
Oh,
So exhaust me.
Rumi says, “Meet it at the door, laughing.”
Pema says, “Befriend.”
I say,
In a 2:15 a.m. plea,
Whispering back
To the whisper,
Thank you for sharing.
You are right.
This is scary.
But please,
Not now.
Come back
When the sun is out
When the birds can sing
Louder
Then your whisper,
When the light of
Day
Can comfort me.
Please
Come
Back
Then.
~~~
Dear Friends,
Bill Wilson, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, wrote about practicing spiritual principles; “At first because we must, then because we ought to, and ultimately because we love the kind of life such practice brings. Great suffering and great love are disciplinarians—we need no other.”
I am experiencing great love and great suffering.
I choose to return to love.
This video brings me love. I adore these kids, this PS 22 Choir from Staten Island. This is an oldie but a goodie, which I have listened to a trillion times.
Their voices give me strength.
Their eyes touch mine with bravery.
~~~
How can you practice returning back to love today? What might that look like? What will your practice look like?
Consider.
Be specific.
Bless yourself
With comfort,
As I bless you,
As we
Are
So
Blessed—
Aruni
~~~
Announcements
Share Circles for the Week
Our chance to come together, practicing mindful communication, to remember we are not alone. Please join if you can by just coming on Zoom, utilizing the below links—no registration is needed. The link will take you into the Zoom meeting.
Please note: You’ll need the password share2020 to enter the meeting.
Donation is appreciated, and no registration needed.
https://www.paypal.me/CoachAruni
- Wednesday, May 20 @ 4:00 http://coacharuni.com/wedmay20-share-circle/
- Thursday, May 21 @ 2:00 http://coacharuni.com/thursdaymay21-share-circle/