What the heck?
On so many levels of my life, I feel pretty darn comfortable these days. I’m aware of an emerging ease I am having with myself, inhabiting my skin with a bit more relaxed permission these days. Permission to be where I am, I guess. It’s all unfolding and I am unfolding with it, this thing, my life.
Yet it appears that my unconscious has something else to say.
I dreamt I was riding a bike to get to my office, to see a client. I couldn’t manage the bike very well; I kept starting and stopping, having to constantly rebalance with childlike frustration. I was profoundly aware of how my brain wasn’t firing right! It was excruciating. I eventually made it into work (Kripalu in the future?). It was unrecognizable. I lost the bike, couldn’t find things, dumped my bag out, and lost my cell phone. Gone now were all of my pictures of Lucy on the phone! Nobody would help and I was met with great snootiness from the ridiculously young and uber-cool staff.
And those were the easier parts of the dream. It went south from there.
What on earth might this message be?
Of course I am terrified of aging, of losing “it”, mentally and physically.
Of course it really does matter to me what happens in the evolution of Kripalu, no matter how much bluster I put up, no matter how much detachment I feign about its future.
Maybe because I am more relaxed and more comfortable, I can now allow the anxiety to emerge?
Maybe because I am allowing myself to inhabit what is, I can now peak into what-might-be with a tad more courage?
Maybe the growing faith unfolding in my life, a faith that tells me it’s going to be okay, no matter what happens, maybe that faith is allowing me to now experience my own fear?
At the end of the dream, I encountered the only person who would listen to me. She was older, had greyish hair, painted nails, and quietly took in my words without response.
Perhaps in her I met another part of myself in this dream.
Perhaps my anxious and terrified self can find solace in the mature me, the one capable of listening, of containing, of holding.
Fear and faith—comfort and dis-ease:
It’s all sacred. It’s all true. It’s all inevitable.