Oh, Yes—The Highest Spiritual Practice*

A Moment in Nik’s World

Oh, friends. I don’t know about you, but, oh, how I have tried to get you to like me. It was the driving force in my life for so many years. I’m not saying this behavior is forever-gone. But it clearly isn’t a driver of my personality, or the force behind so much of my behavior like it used to be.

Does anybody out there identify yet?

I was, and still am, a Lone Wolf (capital letters fully intended). Because of my stuttering, coupled with my wild crushes on the young women around me, separating myself from the group, whatever the group might be, made total survival sense.

My speech just was not reliable. At any moment, a syllable, a sound would deny me its support. School trauma- having to say vocabulary words aloud in high school Spanish class with Mr. Manno, having to call out our test grades in Mr. Shorten’s history class- shattered me. So many moments of literal terror.

I became an escape artist, looking for ways out of the moment, ways to separate from you and dive into my own silent world, speechless, keeping my fantasies about Audrey Hepburn (one of the loves of my life) a secret from you.

Both stuttering and wanting to kiss girls felt deadly—stuttering in school was a death, after death, after another death. And I knew if you knew about my fantasy life, I would clearly die.

Born from these old patterns emerged a super-people-pleasurer. Once I figured out it was more fun with you than not with you, that being part of the cool people made me cool (a life goal), and once drugs and alcohol were part of the picture, I was off to the races.

I would get you to like me, damn it. I would tap-dance and sing, be funny, flatter you, be who you wanted me to be. I would think what you thought. Whatever it took. Etcetera. Etcetera. Etcetera.

And as we say in 12 Step, time takes time. I think I just outlived the pattern. I’m too old, too tired to be that busily involved. I literally don’t have the energy to pursue you in the same way—ha! This makes me laugh.

Why am I talking about this? What is possibly and hopefully relatable about this? A Kripalu Legacy teaching is coming, I swear it is……..

Once I was old enough and sober enough to see my behavior, I had to outlive my shame and self-disappointment about it. As Swami Kripalu said, “Self-observation without judgment is the highest spiritual practice.”

Take that in.

Self-observation without judgment.

He didn’t say, wrap your leg around your neck.

He didn’t say, spend every waking moment with God.

He said cultivate the capacity to notice your behavior. Cultivate the capacity to not judge it. And to lean in the opposite direction. Opposites bring balance.

I am pretty darn sure that a massive obstacle to sustainable behavior change is judgment. It shuts the door on energetic shift, on energetic support, on transmutation. Thinking we should be doing it differently? Not the direction.

But/and, noticing behavior, offering kindness to ourselves—practicing a favorite mantra of mine, PERMISSION TO BE HUMAN, FULLY GRANTED. And then, leaning in a new direction, absolutely opens the possibilities of sustainable and new behavior.

What do you think? Have you noticed your behavior shifting? Changing? What helps you do that? What supports it? What hinders it? Please let me know.

~~~

Music! Music and Aging. It was a funny week—I got totally confused about how old I was, wondering if I was turning __ or had already turned __. I had to get the calculator, figure it out. It turns out, I am already the age, okay, 77, turning 78, which sounds closer, damn closer to that Giant in the Sky, 80.

So, I’ve been nostalgic about music this week. Here is one of my favorite oldie-but-beyond-goodie songs, Diamonds and Rust, written by Joan Baez, but most wonderfully, performed by her and Judy Collins in 2016, at Joan’s 75 birthday concert in NYC. Look at these two, my heroes, ten years ago—aging nicely, wouldn’t you say? Please enjoy as I share them with you:

~~~

Let’s together request

Courage and strength

To keep showing up,

First, for ourselves,

Then for each other.

And kindness!

Let’s request kindness,

To wrap around ourselves

So we might

Offer

It

To

Each

Other.

May all beings benefit from our shared words.

Blessings,

Aruni

*Swami Kripalu quote—The highest spiritual practice is self-observation without judgment.

The Nobility of Retreat *

We rush around, don’t we? We are busy people, right?

Do you find that slowing down and taking it easy is difficult for you? What the heck, you guys? Let’s consider the Nobility of Retreat, a powerful teaching by Swami Kripalu.

Type A People?

Are you here today?

You know who you are.

Might you be:

Chronically, perhaps compulsively early-person?

Might you be:

Dedicated to the annihilation, the eradication, of all your emails,

No matter what? Getting them DONE. Getting them GONE.

Might you be:

A master of miraculous multi-tasking? More organized than organization itself?

Calling all people:

Are you driven? Like, driven to the completion of Stuff?

We could go to innumerably more busyness-traits.

You know,

We know

Who

We

Are.

Let’s love ourselves,

Type A-Subgroup and everybody else!

Let’s remember Richard Schwartz, from Internal Family Systems fame:

“No Bad Parts”.

All good parts,

None bad.

Our intensity, our drive.

Our capacity to organize life itself has probably taken us to powerful places of productivity and perfection.

All good. And…yet…..

And…as Swami Kripalu invites us,

Let’s remember today,

The possibility,

The practice,

The gift

Of

The Nobility of Retreat.

~~~

The Nobility of Retreat.

I don’t think he’s talking about

The chocolate croissant

I ate in the car,

Yes, while driving,

Between

Shopping

And

Unpacking

Groceries.

If I am honest,

Truly honest,

That wasn’t so much a retreat.

No, it was not.

It was more of an escape hatch

That worked for the 75 seconds

While I

Wolfed it down.

Next example:

I don’t think Swami K. meant

Falling asleep

With the

Remote control

Bungeed to one’s hand.

Fuzzy and dazed awakening to

New characters on one’s iPad screen,

Not seen before,

Where did they come from?

Ohhhhh,

I was asleep…!

While more characters emerged.

Hum.

I can offer several more

Examples of what

retreat

Is

Not.

However the question is—

What is a retreat?

Let’s talk about what it is.

The Nobility of Retreat.

What does that mean?

Making a mindful decision

To savor

A hot bath

After

That

Long

Walk

In the woods,

Candle included.

A touch of Epsom salt and.

Perhaps some lavender oil, too.

What else?

A massage!

Making the choice,

Setting an appointment,

Getting there.

Allowing

Each

Moment,

Each touch

To be recognized

As the gift

That

It is.

Me to me.

You to you.

What else?

What are your tiny yet profound retreat actions?

~~~

Let’s not make our Type-A-Driven patterns wrong.

While being exactly who we are,

Let’s practice

Leaning toward body-centered,

Heart-centered slowing down.

Offering ourselves

The deliciousness of non-doing.

What a concept.

Let’s keep considering and practicing—slowing it down,

Stopping,

Resting,

Renewing.

~~~

Here is a song to slow down into.

Oh! This tender and beautiful song.

This song, written by Warren Zevon, singer/songwriter, at the end of his too-

short-life.

Here it is, sung wonderfully by the Canadian international folk group, the Wailin’ Jennys.

~~

Friends,

Let us remember,

One breath at a time.

One step.

One moment.

One bite.

Slowing it down.

Give us the courage and the strength to

Continue relaxing into what is,

Rather than pushing forward through.

Relaxing,

Renewing,

And realigning.

May all beings benefit from our shared words.

All blessings, Aruni

*Quote by Swami Kripalu

Sometimes I Remember…

April in the Berkshires

 

Sometimes I remember that no matter what’s happening, there lives inside of me an infinite well of silence and serenity.

It is always available to me.

It’s simply up to me to draw upon it.

Sometimes I actually do remember this.

Sometimes I draw upon it and I relax.

Everything drops away.

But mostly,

Mostly I forget.

I forget I am already home.

My feelings terrify me and I leave the moment.

And then I look around me for the external circumstances to determine my safety

Or not to determine my safety.

This past week has been a lot of “or not to…”.

What a week.

I got pretty snagged by the Easter Sunday doings at the White House,

Something about the life-sized bunny with vacant eyes standing there,

Something about the incoherence of the message,

The kids with their Easter eggs……..

Yes.

Sometimes I remember that all is well, no matter what is happening.

Mostly, I forget.

Mostly, my feelings appear real, and I dive into them.

Then, I get lost.

My practice?

Not making the forgetting wrong.

Simply, through kind awareness

Returning back to my internal space.

~~

I was half-heartedly listening to my rabbi talk about Passover—it’s been so much harder for me to relax into my Friday-night-couch-temple these days, with the shadow of the war over us all.

Then Rabbi Angela said,

“The question isn’t, am I ready to be free?

The question is, am I ready to serve?”*

She woke me up! WOKE ME UP.

Attending to our own internal work makes us available for others.

Pema Chodron tells us:

“…..healing can be found in the tenderness of pain itself……we awaken through kinship with the suffering of others….”**

We truly need each other to awaken.

~~~

There is a purpose, there is an intention in these Legacy Teachings.

To be there for others.

From one heart, to many.

From one breath, to all breath.

We are connected.

We are one.

When I can settle into the moment, I bring that light to the world around me,

Even just for a nanosecond.

~~~

Here is Bob Sima singing, The Measure. Pretty darn inspiring. Please enjoy.

~~~

Friends,

From one heart,

To many hearts.

From one breath,

To all breath.

We are individuals

Wrapped in a collective,

Energetic experience.

May our words shared today benefit all people.

Blessings,

Aruni

~~~

Spring Study Options

Grief, Loss, and Renewal—Savoring Life’s Lessons

May 15-17

Information Here

My spouse, Rasmani, and I created this program in the early 2000’s. My understanding of grief was limited to my 50-ish years on the planet. How that has evolved as I age!

I believe that grief is a body-centered journey, that the teachings of Kripalu Yoga on and off the mat strengthen our capacity to be present with reality as it shows up. I believe renewal is available inevitably from the grieving process, that community, the container of a Kripalu program, can support any and all grieving processes.

There is no hierarchy of grief. In this program, whatever your transition, your loss, we will practice identifying rather than comparing stories. Like Pema C. reminded us, “….we awaken through kinship with the suffering of others.”**

I am grateful for the gift and the privilege of teaching this program for 20+ years. If you have any questions about the program, please reach out.

thecoacharuni@gmail.com

~~~

*Rabbi Angela Buchdahl, Central Synagogue, New York City

**Comfortable with Uncertainty by Pema Chodron, page 2.

A YES is Born

It was 157 years ago.

Precisely.

I remember where I was sitting in the room.

Brand spanking new in 12 Step program, I was nibbling my lower lip into a state of discomfort.

Who were all these people?

I fussed to myself.

Certainly, this moment was not about me.

This moment seemed to be about everybody and everything else.

I had bottomed out on drugs and alcohol a few weeks before.

Literally, I had nowhere else to go.

Somehow, somewhere in me, I knew this was the only place to be.

Life was—shaky—at best.

Outside of my fog, I become aware of a voice.

Oh.

It was that damn woman who always looked so comfortable,

Wearing that great denim jacket,

She was sharing,

Again.

Her voice was loud, clear, annoyingly concise:

“And in the morning,

As part of my prayer practice,

I thank my Higher Power for whatever might happen in that day.”

Her voice trailed off into a spiritual lingering, one I knew I could never obtain.

I secretly hated her for that and became incrementally more miserable.

Interesting now that I wasn’t drinking or drugging, these things called feelings periodically galloped into my awareness.

These words, her words awakened me from my fuzzy emotional slumber.

Who does she think she is…

I fumed,

Silently, of course.

That’s ridiculous.

Gratitude for what hasn’t happened yet?

That’s—stupid.

What if shitty things happen?

I fumed and fussed myself through the meeting,

Not hearing another word.

Angry at her.

Angry at them.

Angry, perhaps, at myself?

Then, dear friends,

The Miracle.

New behavior emerged.

Not my idea

But…

After the meeting ended,

I found myself walking toward her.

Miracle #1.

She was surrounded by a bunch of spiritual groupies.

But I stayed.

I waited,

Which was certainly Miracle #2.

This was the first time I talked to anybody at a meeting.

She swiveled and turned toward me,

Her eyes were green and frighteningly clear.

She presence was confusingly compelling.

Miracle #3.

I stayed.

I met her eyes.

Sweaty under my pea jacket,

Worn to hide my body from any potential visual intrusion from a 12 Step meeting,

I stammered.

Hi, I said once.

Then I heard myself say it again,

Hi.

Shit, I’m a moron, I thought.

Ummmm.

Somehow I found words.

I said:

What did you say?

Did you say,

You THANK GOD for what hasn’t happened yet?

Did you say THAT?

YES, she said,

YES, I practice that.

She continued talking.

I couldn’t hold on to any of her words,

None of her logic,

Her understanding of it.

But it was the YES

That I heard.

It was the YES

That lived with me.

I left that meeting.

Miracle number 9,763,

I kept going back.

And somehow, I remembered

Not her sparkling green eyes

(Yet here I am, decades later, talking about it, oops),

But I remembered THE YES.

YES, we can be grateful for the day that is coming.

YES, we can be uncertain about what might happen.

YES, we know shitty things surely happen.

YES, we can offer thanks before the day unfolds.

YES, we know gratitude opens the door to humility.

YES, we know humility opens the door to Grace.

YES, we can have gratitude for all.

YES, eventually.

YES, inevitably.

I thought my job as an “adult” (using the term loosely here)

Was to make sure no bad things happen,

To control reality so shit didn’t happen.

Good luck with that.

It didn’t work.

It only made me run faster away from everyone,

Drink more,

Drug more,

Trying to keep ahead of life?

What’s the cost of that?

No life.

THE YES stayed with me.

I don’t know the time frame,

I don’t know

When it happened…

But eventually, I started to experiment with this.

I started to practice.

I wrote a prayer.

I said it

In the mornings

For years.

Here it is:

Thank you for everything you are going to give me in this new day. I know what you are going to give me is going to be exactly what I need to get closer to You and to get closer to those parts of me that are You.

And that’s what I did.

Eventually, as prayer practices do,

It shifted.

It flowed in.

It flowed out.

Yet

THE YES remains.

~~~

Friends,

Do you practice gratitude?

What form does your practice take?

What gifts does it give you?

~~~

We are the Movers, the Shakers, the Peacemakers—

By Bob Sima

Although we don’t know each other, those of you who read this blog—although we have never sat together in the same room—although we are faceless and formless, nevertheless, we are a community of healing, a sangha.

And we are! We are the Movers! The Shakers! We are the Peacemakers. That’s what we are doing, reading these blogs. Looking for peace. Finding peace. Losing peace, practicing again.

Here is Bob.

Please enjoy this song:

~~~

Friends,

May we be present.

May we be whole.

May we ride the waves of our lives.

May we live in peace,

No matter what

We are given.

May all beings benefit from our time together.

Stay blessed,

Aruni

~~~

Thanks for passing this on:

“For everything we’ve been given, may we be grateful.

For everything that’s been taken, may we be awakened.”

If you carry an ache, you have a place here. My program, Grief, Loss & Renewal, offers a weekend of healing and unconditional support (Dec 5-7), based on the compassionate Path of Love.

Let wise hope live in your heart.

 

Please watch the video here.

More Information Here

 

“Trudging the Path of Happy Destiny:*

Did you ever get awakened from the deep marshes of sleep by canine laser-sharp eyes, piercing through your altered state?

 

Did you ever get awakened while deeply asleep to the sound of Dog-Speak that echoes something like this:

 

“m..m..M..MM.MMMM!!”

 

Did you ever stumble outside with said canine-companion—not awake, not asleep—to the sensory overload of a gloriously remarkable bejeweled sky, stars glistening against the inky sky?

 

Did you ever—not awake, not asleep—contemplate how, mere moments before, you slept beneath a ceiling, beneath a roof fully unaware of this starlight laser show that was simultaneously taking place?

 

This past week, I have had these experiences. Ugh.

 

Heading back to bed, heart still pounding in disbelief from the Tearing from Sleep, now the attempted return to the bed, the settling in, to the ceiling, to the roof, to the separation between me and that glorious sky.

 

Lying back in bed, the clock at 4:18, dog deep under the covers, her soft, warm furry self squashed against my hip, her breathing the soundtrack to this, the later years of my life, I find myself pondering—how bizarre it is to be human.

 

How fully weird, wrapped in the minutiae of humanness, the petty and inevitable concerns, the lists, the fears, the aging bodies, the world,

 

Etc. etc. etc. etc.

 

And all the while, the glory, the awe of the universe sparkles away, unbeknownst to us.

Today’s interruptions into that numbness of my human world were;

 

That breath-taking red tree standing strong against the blue/grey clouds,

The marshes filled with the sounds of invisible birds, alive in a cacophony of feeding, resting, gathering, on their way south.

These are the miracles.

 

How blessed are they, these moments, these momentary awakenings, when our humanity is blasted open and the grace of the Universe reveals herself.

 

She is always there. It is me; I am the one who exists.

 

Ahhhh! Friends.

 

How to abide our human journey.

How to bear our own anxiety,

Our busyness,

Our fears,

Our to-do lists.

 

I say—

Patience and tolerance for our householder lives.

I say—

Patience and tolerance for our humanity.

Kindness and breath and blessings to us, as we trudge this path

Of glory,

This path

Of happy destiny.

 

My thoughts strangely go to Bill Wilson, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous.

 

A raging alcoholic, once sober, a genius emerged, ninety years ago he along with Bob Smith cobbled together this program that continues to bring life and health and goodness to so many people. Today there are approximately more than 2 million folks living throughout the world who are AA members. Not bad, ninety years later.

 

There is a six-word phrase in the Fellowship’s main literature, The Big Book, that has captivated me for so long. Bill says on page 164:

 

“We shall be with you in the fellowship of the spirit….and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the path of happy destiny”.

 

Trudge the path of happy destiny!

What a contradiction—what an insight.

 

This morning, with my heart quieting down, with dog-breathing serenading me, a gentle smile came to me. I understand this phrase just a bit more, taught to me this week by Niki the Dog.

 

So often life can be a trudge.

Life can be a schlep.

Life can be a struggle.

I might be numb or overexcited.

I might be busy or bored.

I might be exhausted.

Or hyped up.

 

It is all true.

It is all inevitable.

I am everything.

We are—all of it.

 

And every now and then,

Happy destiny reveals herself.

 

And every now and then, the awe of the journey reveals herself.

We are awakened to see.

To really, see.

 

Human and divine

Wrapped in a body.

What a journey.

 

What a glorious planet upon which we live.

How very blessed are we.

~~~

Friends,

 

What about you?

What resonates in this tale?

How are you awakened into the Awe?

~~~

Metta meditation is a loving-kindness practice that cultivates compassion for all. Here is a stunning song by Bob Sima, called Metta.

 

Praying for ourselves.

Praying for each other.

This sounds, to me, like a brilliant response to the Trudge.

Let this song be sung to you.

Sing it to yourself.

~~~

Friends,

Let us go gently.

Let us go easefully.

Let us find our way.

When we are able.

And when we are not,

Let us be kind to ourselves.

Let us relax,

And so gently,

And so lovingly,

Keep practicing.

May all beings benefit from our time together.

Stay blessed,

Aruni

~~~

*The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 164

 

HI, BLOG READERS

SOME JUICY INVITES BELOW

Do you enjoy reading my weekly blogs?  I absolutely adore writing them, sharing with you my understanding of the wisdom teachings through the lens of my daily experiences.  Check out this exciting online event based on my blogs.  It is called:

LIVING YOGA in TODAY’S WORLD—

ANCIENT WISDOM FOR MODERN TIMES

I will join our host, Charlyn Anandamai Reihman and together facilitate a juicy conversation about four main themes of the blogs:

• Non-judgmental awareness
• Riding the wave
• Surrender
• Grace

Each week we will focus on a few selected blogs that demonstrate these themes.  You will receive weekly worksheets to support your practice and integration of the teachings.

The program will be held online, Mondays from 12:00-1:30, November 3, 10, 17, & 24.  You will receive the recordings of each session.  Payment is by sliding scale.

Please consider deepening your relationship to the wisdom teachings.  Let’s spend some time together in contemplation and in practice.

Information Here

~~~

A final reminder—please do consider:

THE INNER QUEST INTENSIVE

October 17-20

Information Here