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Noticing the Grace

01/12/2016 by Aruni

Water Becoming Ice

Something about this odd and mild winter! I seem more attentive to and more aware of the changes in the earth around me. As the temperatures now appropriately drop, the changing of water to ice in the wetlands behind my house and in Richmond Pond is riveting to me. Each day, a different balance between water/ice emerges, as the fluidity of water morphs into its frozen winter state, and then melts again with warmer days. Each morning and each evening, walking with Zac the Dog, I study the changes with deep interest—something about this process touches me deeply.

I am reminded of my first sober springtime in New York City. I had lived in the same neighborhood, the East Village way before its gentrification, for seventeen years. Walking down St. Mark’s Place that first sober May, I was stopped in my tracks by stunning, pink-white blooming apple trees lining the sidewalk. The sight was staggeringly beautiful to me. Who had put these trees here? When did they arrive? Their beauty caught in my throat.

Young Jose, a wiry Hispanic guy, was sitting on the steps of my 12 Step meeting house in the middle of the block. As I approached him I asked, “Hey, Jose. When did these trees get here? I’ve never seen them before.”

Jose gave me a long stare. His eyes seemed to soften as he offered, “Honey, these trees have been here forever. Where have you been?”

His message stopped my heart. I had never seen these trees before, despite my many daily treks across this block to the subway. Where had I been?

It is so easy to not notice the beauty around me. It is so easy to allow the habitual to catch my attention and pull me down into the mighty to-do list, the emails, chasing the seemingly “important” tasks of each day. Yet around me, around us, all, the earth opens and closes each day with stunning beauty and offers us, moment after moment, visual reminders of the grace that keeps this show running. My commitment this winter—not my fav season—is to keep my eyes and my heart open to what is—to notice the grace around me.

And you? What can you see today? What moments of beauty are manifesting right before you? Give yourself the gift of this challenge— noticing the grace.

Slides in on a Whisper

01/03/2016 by Aruni

2016

Years ago I heard a prayer at a Twelve Step meeting that really grabbed my heart. Over the years, it has rattled around inside of me, emerging and getting louder at different times, quieting down at others—it has never really left me. This holiday season has really loosened it up and increased its volume. The prayer says:

Thank you for everything you have given me.
Thank you for everything you have taken from me.
Thank you for everything that’s left.

I have been given so much in this past year, this ancient year of 2015—a home, a family, work that touches hearts, a new writing project alive with possibility, the cutest dog in the contiguous United States —so many blessings. And, most importantly, I have been given the ongoing blessing of knowing myself more intimately, more soberly, more mindfully and more deeply.

Yet at the same time, this past year also was one of profound and deep loss: the senseless death of a dear, healthy and younger friend, the loss of a precious, valued program that I taught for many years, and the loss of illusion that the good wins out always. Good does not always win—pillars of integrity have been loosened around me and my heart is broken. And that’s the truth of it—in the midst of so many blessings, there has been such heartbreak. What a revelation, that both and all, the blessings and the challenges, can exist at the same time!

And what is left? For what am I grateful tonight, this first day of the New Year, this year that seemed to slide in on a whisper? As winter cautiously inches her way toward us, as the holidays blessedly fade, as the light slowly returns to us, for what am I grateful? What is left?

I am grateful for what lives inside of me. I have, deep in me, a faith that works, a faith that tells me that, no matter what, I will find my way forward—no matter what, I will be guided. I have, deep inside of me, a commitment to living in relationship with that which is not my mind—call it Grace, call it Intuition, call it Higher Power, call it Nothing. I believe there is something else happening here beside my mere (and sometimes mighty) will. I am grateful, oh, so grateful for this partnership—my humanity and my divinity—together, I will find my way forward, one step, one day, one challenge, one heart-squeeze at a time, no matter what I am given.

I somehow sense that, as 2016 snakes her way toward me, alive with challenges and changes and shifts, that I will draw upon this internal faith. I will find my way. Of this, I am certain. And for this, I am forever-grateful.

And what about you, dear friends? What have you been given in this past year? What has been taken from you? And what is left? Take a few breaths, take a few moments. Consider. Relax and breathe and notice. Welcome yourself into your new year.

Christmas Morning

12/28/2015 by Aruni

December 25, 2015

The sun spills in, covering me with warm light. The dog, exhausted and unconscious after devouring his holiday present, a smoked Texas wild boar bone, snores at my feet. The morning is quiet and sweet, emptied of drama and filled with ease. There really is nothing to do; there really is nowhere to go.

When I consider the immense emptiness I have felt in my life, the imagined uniqueness that separated me from everybody and from everything, I feel a catch in my heart. So much grace! So much healing. Sitting in church last night, joining my candle with all of the other candles, my light with all of the light, I realize—much of the time, I am able to relax into the people and the places around me. Much of the time I know I am not separate; that I am not alone, and that I am not different.

My point on this soft Christmas morning? Transformation is possible in every moment, in every day. All of it, all the moments, all of the days, offer us doorway after doorway of practice. Relaxing into what is, softening around our preferences, breathing ourselves forward, outliving the feelings—there really isn’t much to do, but to practice being right here, right now.

Dear Friends, on this auspicious day, from my home to yours, from my heart to yours, may you be filled with ease and love and laughter. May this holiday season envelope you with light.

Wishing a happy and joyous holiday season to you and yours—

All blessings,
Aruni

67 on the 67th

12/21/2015 by Aruni

Leaning Toward Joy

It’s a crazy place, a bowling alley on the second floor of an old, rickety office building. Walking up the wildly uneven steps, after navigating a series of unmarked street doors, one can hear a faint bowling-like rumble in the background. Passing the mortgage office, the next door announces, “Candle Lanes—Candle Pin Bowling”. Open the door and enter into the 1970’s, untouched and unvarnished—the world of candle pin bowling in the Berkshires comes alive.

It’s my 67^th birthday. Ten of us gather in celebratory revelry in the upstairs lanes. We have the whole place to ourselves, which is strangely freeing. Something about the pure kitsch of it, the individual murals of rural scenes over each lane, the multi-colored small bowling balls, the familiar clanging sounds of a pursuit from easier days, elation is ignited in each of us. Silliness emerges—we hoot and holler, urging each other on. Playing in two “teams”, the competition becomes ridiculously delightful. “You were robbed.” “Go get ‘em.” “Yes, yes, YES.”

I find myself washed with delight. As I lean further and further into the ecstatic joy that is unleashed, relaxation floods over me. I am wild and hoarse with yelling, delighted by every move and moment with my friends. We all manage, somehow, in this brief interlude on North Street, to lean toward joy, to allow the ridiculous, to put our adult selves to the side. We all are freed in the leaning.

As we add up scores, I receive the miracle: my score is 67, 67 on my 67^th birthday! I take it as an affirmation from the universe, life’s partnering with me, an omen that this New Year will be abundantly stocked with joy, laughter and possibility.

We leave each other after 90 minutes of hilarity, which is an abundance of both of bowling and ridiculousness. We bid each other adieu, and head toward our separate cars, opened and touched and tingling with the joy of it all.

Dear Friends, lean toward joy this holiday season! As the season turns, as the light returns to the day, as winter enters our world, let the flush of joy seep into your hearts. Do the ridiculous—embrace the silly. Look for a totally out-of-the-box way to just simply let go. You deserve it. Happy Solstice to all.

Really?

12/14/2015 by Aruni

Really.

I was sitting at my desk at work, writing a blog for Kripalu about the balancing act of holiday celebration and self-care—how to keep healthy boundaries, how to not dive into either guilt or deprivation. Typing away, there was a knock at the door. In walked one of my colleagues, waving a tiny cellophane package at me.

“Chocolate covered almonds!” she happily declared.

I don’t eat chocolate. I don’t eat sugar. But I was so focused on my blog about nutritional balance that I didn’t have the energy to refuse her offer. It seemed easier to just accept her gift.
“Thanks so much,” I said, nodding to a place on my desk for the package. She laid them down and exited.

My first thought was—but I don’t eat chocolate. I don’t eat sugar.

Yet there on my desk sat chocolate and sugar.

My second thought was—I’ll take them home for Ras.

My third thought was fairly thoughtless, as were the next 17 seconds, in which I grabbed the package, ripped it open, put one chocolate almond in my mouth, determined to eat only that one, and finished the (somewhat small but nevertheless damaging) package in the remaining 16 seconds.

I ate them. I ate them all. Really? Really. (And not even good chocolate!) What is it I know about balance with food during the holidays?

I spent some time worrying about what might happen to my body. Then I spent some time considering why I was so vulnerable to outside influences. And mainly, I practiced relaxing and considering my behavior.

Nothing bad happened. Yes, I had some little GI upset and a bit of a headache. Along with that came a powerful wake up call to the allure of the hovering holidays. They certainly carry in them such potential for wacky and brainless indulgence.

Here’s what I want to remember about holiday celebration:

To eat before a party—waiting for food, getting hungrier does not work for me
To take appropriate food along with me—share it and feel good about it.
To balance—if I eat too much one night, lighten up the next day. More does not need to be fanned by more.
To enjoy the celebration!

Most importantly, I want to feed myself on the true spirit of the holiday. I want to enjoy the deliciousness of the return of the light. I choose connection and love to be the sweetness that I ingest. I hope to make the internal decision to live in the essence of the holiday and create steps externally to make this happen.

Dear Friends, let’s live the spirit of this holiday season and allow this be the feast upon which we savor.